WHEN IN LOVE… You are young, in love and everything seems to be going great. But have you ever paused to think how committed you really are? AMRITA P.
As V-Day approaches, the number of giggly teens and young adults are on the rise, debating hotly, coyly and decisively about D-Day plans. From budgets, gifts and venues of romantic celebration, there is a scramble to prove that Cupid’s target did all right! Till, a screeching halt to it is brought on by the question — are you committed? “Like yeah, we are. Since last month. Can go no where without mah gal.” (’Gal’ smiles appreciatively.)“That’s right. I call him up to check if he’s woken up, eaten, where he’s going, with whom (when it’s not me), it is necessary…we know EVERYTHING about each other.”“Well, as of now, today, this hour, this very minute and second, I’m hers. But dunno what tomorrow will bring.”“Commitment?…Like?”“…..(blush)…” ???
So, what is commitment? Something age old generations did before us and were miserable eventually, putting up with it? Or some form of emotional bonding that made the occasional storms in a relationship worth weathering? Or was it simply a decision to stay with a beloved? Drily put, commitment is an investment in an occupation or a system of belief. What we put at stake is what we eventually value, or prize, but mostly, it begins with ourselves, within ourselves. Just as we chose to ‘commit’ to an academic course or a profession of our choice based on aptitude, efficacy and incentive or drive, selecting a partner and choosing to remain with that person begins mostly as a personal choice, before it becomes a concerted decision of togetherness.
Although at the beginning of any relationship, we explore each other’s person, once a comfortable connection is made with what we put our faith in, feel comfortable with each other, and also feel the need to be supportive of different choices while remaining together, a step towards commitment is made.The commitment dimension of love is often viewed as the decision to stay with one’s partner for life. Commitments may range from simple verbal agreements (agreements not to become emotionally and/ or sexually involved with other people) to publically formalised legal contracts (marriage). However, commitment is more than simply agreeing to stay with a partner through bad times. Commitment means being devoted to doing things to nurture the relationship and protect it from harm and to fix it if damaged. Both partners care about each other’s needs and must be willing to put each other’s needs first, including being willing to make personal sacrifices for the good of the relationship. The partners should be willing to depend on each other and feel secure that both will be loyal to each other and to the relationship.
It is not enough to care about the other person, but to also feel cared for by the other. It is pretty easy to fall in love, but knowing when both are ready to take the relationship seriously to the next level of togetherness, calls for some deep reading of signs when both are together:The ‘Caring’ sign: Is s/he willing to forgo personal goals/needs for the sake of a partner?The ‘Comfort’ sign: Does one feel comfortable and supported in the relationship? Have the freedom to be yourself without any anxiety of being measured up?The ‘Honesty’ sign: Do you have the confidence that your partner is honest with you?The ‘world around us’ sign: Does the relationship fit in with the rest of the world, a world beyond just the two of you? Does it harmonise with what each one considers precious to them like parents, profession and sometimes, even special friends?The ‘commitment’ sign: Is one certain about and confident of a future together?Once you get all of this information about your relationship, take a serious look at it and see what you have learned. If you have learned that it is not so good, remember: Not all relationships are destined for the long haul. Don’t be afraid to try for a better one! Also, if the ’signs’ are present for you, but not for the other person, then maybe it’s all really okay to smile and wave!
Amrita is doing M. Phil, Clinical Psychology in Delhi.
In the name of love
Asked to choose between money, job and relationship, the nextgen-ers make a choice…
Any relationship has to have its base in friendship. Only if two people are good friends first can the relationship last. You should be comfortable in the relationship, be able to be who you are and say what you want knowing that the other person will care for you no matter what. Also, the choice between your career, money and your relationship is virtually non-existant. A good relationship never comes in between your job or your cash. I guess you don’t really have to choose.
A relationship is about two completely different people with completely different tastes and dreams sharing a bond and a common goal with respect to the relationship. There will be a lot of fights, arguments and everything but the fact that someone is always there for you to love you no matter what will just take away all the pain. It is this security that I would look for in a relationship. I would definitely put my relationship first!
ABINAYA MURUGESAN, II year, B.E ECE, SSN College of Engineering
I have crossed the stage where I look for someone to make me happy. Instead, it is the traits of trust, support and gentleness that I would look for in any relationship. It is what will keep the two individuals involved together in the long run as they need to live their separate lives while having a trusting support system ready to back them up when the need arises. I’d obviously put the relationship first.
KARTHICK SUNDAR, Fashion designer and Branding Consultant
Job comes first. Whatever it is that I give up on the other side of the court can be won back at any time but usually, opportunities at the work front are once in a lifetime. As for what I would look for in a relationship, my vote would be for someone sober with the maturity and calmness to handle any situation that may come our way. And lucky me, I found her!
KIREN RAJ, Digital Strategist
I’d stick by my relationship no matter what because any disturbance in it will affect every other aspect of my life. The most important thing in any relationship is that it should allow you to be yourself and it should give you a sense of happiness and fulfillment. The relationship should allow the two people involved to be true to each other as well as themselves and this will nurture the sense of trust and love.
HARIPRASAD RAVISHANKAR, Class XII, Chettinad Vidyashram
A pinch of wit, a dash of humour blended well with an understanding nature, endless support, absolute honesty, super compatibility and unconditional love for each other, is the perfect recipe for the perfect relationship. Coming to a choice between job, money and love, I think it’s all an interrelated hierarchy of life. After enduring a minimum of 20 years of education, we all seek a good career in our respective field of interest. A good job definitely ensure a heavy pocket and a lot of credit card swiping, but to achieve all the success you need to keep your loved ones close. After all it’s their motivation and encouragement that helps bring out the best in you.
POOJA RAIKWAR, II Year, Civil Engineering, Easwari Engineering College
Being in a relationship would mean different things to different people. Not only do most people have numerous expectations from a relationship, they also expect them to be fulfilled! If I were to get into a relationship, I would look for someone I can be with on a long term basis; someone I can be myself with and who understands me like a friend and who doesn’t stand to get affected too much in case things don’t work out. Asked to select my priorities, I’d definitely place my job and profession up on top because that’s where the chain begins! Once you’re settled down with a good career and finance is no longer a constraint, who knows, you might just get lucky!
ARVIND BALAKRISHNAN, Pursuing Charted Accountancy
Earning a relation is a reward of our trust, maintaining the same is the result of our sacrifice and strengthening it is the outcome of our care. Any successful relationship has to have its foundation in love, faith and understanding. All the three elements — money, job and a relationship bring happiness to one’s life. Quite practically, you need money to enjoy life and to be content but, at the same time, you also need someone to share your happiness with; after all it is that special someone who knows what can bring a smile on your face, what can disturb you, what is the one thing which can make your day and so on.
SHIKHA RUSTAGI, Pursuing Chartered Accountancy
Many of us live in a fantasy where we picture our partner as the ‘perfect’ person having all the qualities we desire. Problems always arise when expectations are not met and create a tension in the relationship. So I prefer avoiding them by not expecting too much. Sometimes not expecting something and getting it can be a huge surprise. In today’s scenario, I would give equal importance to money, job and relationship but if I ever come to a point where I would have to chose between them, I would most definitely choose a strong, long lasting relationship.
VANESSA BAGDY, II Year, B.Tech Computer Science, Anna University
Today there are a lot of misconceptions about a relationship. Most feel that money and lust are the most important factors in a relationship. In my opinion, love, concern, trust and emotional support are most important. I also agree that money and job security do play a vital role in a relationship, but a ‘true’ relationship is more about staying together through the toughest of times.
NEELESH BAGDI, II Year, B.Com., Loyola College
When it comes to relationship, everything involved is mutual. Trust and security are the foundation on which a relationship is based. When the question what comes first job, money or love arises, I would say all the three are dependent on each other. When you don’t have job, you lack the money. And the trust your partner has on the security you provide comes under the hammer and I don’t think anyone will get into a relationship purely because they love the person. A right dose of all the three can strengthen your relationship.
As told to YASHASVINI RAJESHWAR and GAURAV DANGI
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